I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
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If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter