Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

The United Steaks of America

Fiction has to make sense.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

imagine getting destroyed like this

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please