i wouldn’t say I have an addiction, but the ladies at my local Taco Bell just threw me a surprise baby shower.
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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
A bold strategy
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
repaired
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
kevin is now a local weatherman
