I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
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Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.