I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
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I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Banking tips
For the orator and chef in all of us
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough