Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.