Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Well, this explains it:

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.