Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

How software testing works

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer