Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one