Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem