I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
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“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Not messing around
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.