I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Thrilling chase underway
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
🍛
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom