Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

somebody come look at this

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.