I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
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Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together