I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
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I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎