Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

serving silly goose instead of turkey

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

ㅤ

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando