I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
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Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”