“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
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[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well