“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
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Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
What number SPF blocks people?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
making my dog give me my pills
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
there are two kinds of people:
those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical bandand they marry each other
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Dietest Coke
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
