“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
You Might Also Like
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
(grounding my kid) go outside.
[montage of me giving-up]
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Oh my god
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.