Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

Me driving through Toronto

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.