Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.