“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
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[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily