Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

asked my bf how work was today

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

boat question

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.