I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
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“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Stop.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products