I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
You Might Also Like
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy