I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
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only kind of dinner drama i approve of
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
12. I think about this all the damn time
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”