I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
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waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
The Punning Dead.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
The Book. The Movie.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.