I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold