Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Lmao 😁

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

u spoke cat all this time??????

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

ㅤ