Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

this is literally a CIA plant

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Air conditioning – not a fan

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.