Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

So glad we cleared that up

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea