“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
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Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.