I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
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{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
mmm onion ringos
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Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake