I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
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“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Love this one 😂🧟
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.