Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

New mindset, who dis?

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

Finally, an explanation.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you