Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )