I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
You Might Also Like
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.