I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
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I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not