Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra