Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

Me: time to be better with my finances

Them: you could stop buying things

Me: not like that

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.