I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
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“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius