Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

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You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

imagine getting destroyed like this

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.