I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
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I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.