I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
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[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!