Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.