Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby