I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
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My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
💻🤡
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”