I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
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Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Mornin
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Muppet Screams
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that