I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
You Might Also Like
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.