I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I love texting my boyfriend
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
