Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.