Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

well this is just bullshirt

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

🥃

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

When you put it that way… 😂

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.