I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.