Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”