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If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*