Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.