My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
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[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant