I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
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Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
genius
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.