I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
You Might Also Like
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons