I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET