Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

just leave it at the foot of the bed

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle