I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
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*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Maths meets science
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
weaknesses
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.