I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
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My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.