I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
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why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA