Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
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[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
50 shades of grey = my Liver
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative