I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
the world’s most popular steaming services
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED