Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

jesus christ confetti not now

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]