I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
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How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Well, shit
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately