I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Bear knowledge
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.