Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Revenge served cold

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

Put my back out twerking in the library again

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

me and the Superbowl rn

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”