I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.