Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or