Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct