I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
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Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
6: are snakes just neck?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems