@notalogin

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

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@noog

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

@TwinSurvivalist

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

@SJSchauer

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

@lovejulieacafe

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

@wickedsuga

I always keep a taser on me in case anyone asks if they can have one of my fries.

@Marlebean

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

@heymonroe

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

@sixfootcandy

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

@iLikeCatShirts

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!