I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
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My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.