“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
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11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
My background check bounced.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My kitchen overserved me.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.