“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice