“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
You Might Also Like
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
He a real one for that
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*